I’m aiming to become a better person.

I’ve learned my flaws. I’ve gotten to know intimately that dark girl I can become.
And all that does is push be to be the complete opposite.

I want to become selfless, and be able to give everything to someone without expecting the slightest thing in return.
I want to become slow-tempered, and not become angry over the smallest thing or situation.
I want to become independent, and not have to rely on someone else to make me happy.
I want to become self-assured, and not have to rely on other people’s advice and approval.
I want to become giving, and keep giving without running dry.
I want to become self-confident, and love the person I’ve grown to become.
I want to become strong enough to not be hurt by people in my life.
I want to regain my trust, and understand not all people will hurt me like I have been.
I want to become so confident in God, I never doubt him.

I want to strive to become more like the person I used to be six months ago; so driven by God’s word and love. I was never scared of being vulnerable, I was never scared of pouring my heart out and I was never scared of standing up for my faith.
Before loving someone again, I want to be able to truly love the person I am. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being the best person I can possibly be.  To do this, I need to become the person God wants me to be. I need to be full of love, and hope and happiness.

That’s why, before I make any commitment to another boy, I need to commit to myself to become that better person.
No matter how long it takes.

Flashback.

This time last year, I was slowly falling deeper and deeper for a certain boy.
We had known of each other for over a year, and met through mutual friends and often spent time together. After being fully acquainted at his baptism, we started talking on a regular basis, and soon enough, became close friends.

To me, he seemed perfect. Christian, brown-haired, musical, kind and funny. Our relationship had a distinct juxtaposition: we had more in common than I could expect, yet could spend the day debating our diverging opinions on the silliest issues. Slowly, day by day, I realised how special he was.
During summer, we wasted days lying in the sun together, whilst he attempted in vain to craft me into the musician I could never become by giving me ukulele lessons. We became closer than ever, and I became entranced in his presence. Furthermore, he lit a fire in my heart. He inspired me to create this blog: to allow me to convey my innermost thoughts to the world through a humble little website.
(In fact, broken strings is inspired by the ukulele lessons we shared)

But, to our surprise, summer faded and became autumn. Feelings started to become memories. It was soon unveiled that I was merely a friend in his eyes, and soon enough other suitors came my way. I chose someone else. We remained friends as I began to fall in love with another boy whilst he continued to be my close companion by my side.

But then, the cold came.
Winter arose and froze us away from each other. My love for my boyfriend captivated me, and ate the time I had separate for my friend. I slowly drifted away from him, whilst he stood there wondering where I had gone. Six months passed and we had only met on the rare occasion, where it had felt like nothing had changed. Yet it had.

It wasn’t until after the split when we finally returned back to how we were. Our friendship had been rescued, and we were back side by side.
Yet, I found out the truth. He relented that he never saw me as a friend; that I’d always been special to him. More than a friend. But he had a girlfriend, and I had a broken heart that wasn’t ready to love again. We were stuck in an uncomprisable situation, bound by our own commitments. Nevertheless, we vowed to carry on as usual and carry on with what we were used to.
Until, they broke up.

Now, I’m tied between the girl who I was and the girl who I am now.
She would have been delighted, yet I am uncontrollably confused. I can’t love someone when I am still recovering from heart-break, and he can’t love me when he has just been left from a short-term commitment.
I’m living in a flashback of what was before, and trying to decipher what is now.

All I can do is wait it out. Maybe one day, we’ll fall in love. Maybe we’ll remain friends.
All we can be certain is that this is not the time.
Not now. Not yet.

This can’t be.

“Sorry…say that again?”

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I don’t understand.

After all this time? After everything? Right now?

Thoughts flash through my head like a strobe light in the empty darkness. It’s impossible for you to be like this; for this to happen.
I try to put the information back into my head, and rearrange it like a cryptic puzzle piece, but it’s no use, it doesn’t fit altogether. The picture is fragmented and distorted, with overlaps and gaps and twists in the deep maze of it all.
It just doesn’t make sense.

But sure enough, the piece slips into place as my brain unveils the truth, carving a new joins and links in the story.
How you’d always been with me, how you treat me differently, how you couldn’t talk to me when she was in the room with us.

But it isn’t right. You’re supposed to belong to someone else. I don’t want to see you like that again.
I’m not ready, I’m far from being ready.

I stand there, the information pulsing thick through my body at a hundred beats per minute.
I still don’t fully understand, and I really don’t know what to do. I’m not the girl who takes someone elses’ fairytale, and I most certainly am not going to become that girl now. I can’t do that, and I won’t do that.
I stare at the writing, as if it will change and conjugate a new paragraph, saying that you didn’t mean it, that you were still just my friend that I’m supposed to be looking out for. Saying that you only love me as a friend, and that’s only how you’ve ever felt, and ever will.
But it doesn’t say that.
Maybe I read it wrong. Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe by liking me, you only mean it as something much more innocent.
But I haven’t.

So what do I do?
The only thing I can do: nothing.

‘About the author’.

My dear readers, I don’t want this blog to become faceless. I don’t want to become a stranger typing behind a computer, relinquishing explicit details about my life. I want to be completely transparent with you. I want to actually be able to build a rapport between you and myself, because I don’t want to just be another anonymous writer in the sea of the blogging world.

I don’t want this humble little website to be artificial, and I want it to be as real and down to earth as possible.
Because of this, I wanted to share a little bit about me with you:

• My name is Alys (that’s pronounced Alice)
• I have a strong passion for English and History,
• Writing is one of the most important parts of my life,
• I have a strong passion for art: I could paint and take photos all day long,
• I love singing, though I’m incredibly tone deaf,
• I adoreeverything vintage,
• Though I have serious downs with my faith, I am a strong Christian,
• I seem to see the world in rose tinted glasses,
• I always wear my heart on my sleeve,
• My heart aches for the injustice in this world,
• I have the tendency to be incredibly self concious, and struggle to like myself at times,
• Helping people makes my heart beat,
• I find the intricacy of nature facinating,
• My brother is probably one of the most influential people in my life,
• I will do anything for my friends,
• The cheesiest songs on the radio make my day.

Though this may be one of the more random posts on the blog, I hope I am now somewhat less of a mysterious being to you, and that you’d enjoy a little insight to my silly little life that you’d expect of a typical teenage blogger.
Once again, thank you for visiting my blog and taking the time to read it.
All the love in the world,

Alys
xxx

It breaks my heart to watch my friend suffer.

You know what one of the most painful thing in life is? Seeing your friend slowly destroy himself.
I’m watching him hurt himself, and I’m watching him be completely oblivious to it. He doesn’t care, because he’s willing to hurt himself a hundred times over in the pursuit of nothing. He’s slowly slipping away and questioning himself, questioning his beliefs and confiding in me about his confusion.

The worst thing is, I can’t do anything.
I feel like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion. I can see what’s going to happen, yet all I can do is stand here and watch it. I can’t tell him what to do, as I have no right to try to control his life and control what he’s doing, no matter how damaging I know it is. He’ll come to me for comfort, and no matter how much I try, we both know I can’t change his mind.

Because, though the side effects may be painful, the short-term effects make him happy. He isn’t willing to give it all up, because he doesn’t want to give up one of the largest parts of his life. He doesn’t want to be alone. He doesn’t want to lose out.
So as my heart breaks watching him head for his own heartbreak, I can only pray, and be there for him. Whether he wants me right now, all I can do is be there, and be ready to catch him when he falls.

J, I love you. I know why you’re doing this, I’ve been there. But it isn’t worth it, the pain isn’t worth it. I hate to see you doubt yourself. I hate to see you forget who you used to be and question your own morals. All I want to do is keep you safe, as impossible as it is.
I know it doesn’t mean much right now, since you’re focused on other matters, but I’m here for you. I’m always going to be here for you. Please, break away from this self-abuse you’re about to cause yourself. It destroys me to see what’s around the corner.
But at the end of the day, you’re just like me. You need to learn this yourself, instead of being told.
So I will stop telling, and I’ll continue to watch out for you.
I’m praying for you J.

It’s okay darling, it’s okay.

It’s okay to laugh when something isn’t that funny,
It’s okay to smile at the simplest things,
It’s okay to be touched my the smallest actions,
It’s okay to be hurt by the smallest remark,
It’s okay to cry when the world is crashing down,
It’s okay to love someone who doesn’t love you back,
It’s okay to take a break when things get too hard,
It’s okay to sing at the top of your voice even when you’re tone-deaf,
It’s okay to dance like nobody’s watching,
It’s okay to not know everything,
It’s okay to stand up for what you believe in,
It’s okay to dream the impossible.

When dreams become reality.

As I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, this past month has offered me opportunities of a lifetime. In fact, one of these opportunities is something which is helping me achieve a combination of many dreams that I never thought I’d achieve this young. I’ve been waiting a few weeks for plans to finalize before telling you, my dear readers, but now plans are official I’m delighted to tell you all:

I’m going to spend a month in Uganda. Next summer, I’m going with a small group of people my age as part of an expedition, where I’m going to be able to see life changing things. I’m going to spend time camping in the jungle, travel to small islands, climb mountains and go on a Safari. I’m going to grasp this whole new other world that I’ve never experienced.
But it’s not the physical side that I’m so excited about.I’m going there to help people.
Although it’s undecided what exactly we’re going to do as aid work, I have the opportunity to work with street children, orphans, teach children in a school or even help build wells and villages. I might even have the chance to help in HIV clinics. Working with and helping people who need it is my passion. I want to be able to give shelter to the homeless, and give hope to the helpless. Having the chance to help people’s lives has made my own. I’m so thankful and blessed to have this adventure, and I couldn’t be any happier to live out my wildest dreams.
Though raising all the money is going to be so tough, it’s going to be so worth it. It’s all going straight to the most amazing causes and I’m so excited to raise it all and be able to give it to the Ugandan communities personally.

This kind of situation has also shown be that when a door closes, God really does open a window. (And this is a pretty huge window.)
Had this opportunity arisen over a month ago, I may not have accepted it. I would’ve put others in front of me, and would feel too scared that if I chased my dreams, I would’ve lost people who were close to me.
That’s why I’m so passionate about to never let go of my dreams. I never want to be put in the position of being too scared to step out because of somebody else.

I can’t wait to finally experience the world in the ways I’ve imagined. I can’t wait to actually live out my dreams.
Please, never forget how you can really achieve your heart’s biggest desires. Dreams aren’t something you only think about at night, they’re something tangible, and something that can actually happen.
So stop thinking that “I’ll never be able to do that” or “those things would never happen to me.”
If I, the most ordinary girl in the sense of the term, can live my dream, why can’t you too?
Go on, step out.

My broken heart is slowly mending itself.

What used to be shattered is slowly forming into pieces. These pieces are then slowly coming together to make something whole. Soon, the deep cracks will be filled and once again it will begin to beat. It will be able to beat a new rhythm and song of love. It will be able to move again without the fear of more crippling pain.

But this doesn’t mean it will be left spotless. There will be deep scars; blemishes and tears of where you dropped my fragile heart and didn’t care to look down at the scattered remains. Though time may slowly make them fade, they may never heal completely.
Every so often, I will feel that twang of pain from a wound that will always be damaged. The scar in the shape of your name. My heart’s own way of reminding me not to be so naive. My heart’s own way of telling me that I should be more careful in future, and not give everything away to someone who doesn’t have the same intentions.

But I also know this is never going to be the easiest healing process. I’m going to improve, then see you and cracks will open again. Threads will become unstitched and once again, I’ll bleed.
My heart will cry its own tears of what you did to it, and what you continue to do to it.

But slowly, step by step, my heart is being mended. It is slowly gaining courage to beat again, and though it is imperfect, with the odd piece missing, it is stronger than ever.
Most of all, I thank God for His work on me even though I renounced my faith months ago. I thank Him for being the perfect craftsman, taking my heart in His hands and adding His own stitches in it, one by one. A thread that cannot be undone by his actions.

I just pray that the rest of my heart will be able to hold its own when faced with you in the coming months.
But I would also like to ask, please can you stop trying to break it again?
Please can you leave it be?
Please can you leave me be?

I want to forget that I was stupid to believe I was your “forever.”

I want to forget the hurt of knowing that I was completely myself with someone for the first time in my life, letting all the walls down and opening up about some of my deepest hurts and fears and insecurities…and when you saw me for everything that I was, you said “no thanks.”

You see, it’s one thing to try your hardest to be the person you think someone else wants you to be, and then be rejected. Maybe you just weren’t good a pretending and at least you can take comfort in that.

But to know that you were one hundred percent yourself, and you were truly rejected for who you are…

That shakes you to the core.

When anyone tells you ‘no’, shout ‘yes’.

When anyone in life tells me that I’m not good enough, or I that won’t be able to do something, it only encourages me to pursue if further.
I want to prove to them that they have no control over my life, and that I’m capable of anything I can achieve.

Why should we live our lives dictated by other people’s thoughts and condemns?
Why should anyone tell you that you are not special, or that you are not able to live your dreams when they are probably too scared to even attempt what you desire?
Sadly, we are all going to cross paths with a number of these kind people during our lives, but we have to find a way to combat it. We need to find ways to not get put down by those who try to, stand tall and fight for what we believe in. Yes, this can be so hard when we are forced in a world that tells us ‘no’ and ‘you’re not good enough’ but once we master the skill of knowing your strength when the world is against you, you are able to do anything.

That’s why when someone tells me it’s impossible to do the things I want, and that I’ll never be able to go where I want to, it just encourages me to prove them wrong. It just makes me fight harder for what I want, and prove I am worthy.
I experienced this today, when someone told me that they think I will never get into the university that I dream of. However, instead of getting upset and believing their cruel words, it just set my heart on fire. My passions and desires burned with an even brighter flame.

I refuse to let anyone tell me I’m not worth it anymore. I refuse to let anyone put me down or try to stop me achieve what I want to.
But most of all, I pray that you do too.
I pray that you are able to stand up tall to anyone in life who tries to knock you down. I pray you discover how wonderful and strong you are, and that absolutely anything is possible if you truly desire and work for it.

Shout yes to that world who says no. Prove them wrong, and achieve your wildest dreams, no matter how unachievable they seem.

My brother makes my world shine.

To me, my eldest brother is the definition of a perfect family compacted into one singular being.
He’s kind, he’s loving and he understands me completely, even when I don’t have to speak my feelings to him.
He makes me laugh to extremes, treats me like a best friend and never misses an opportunity to crack a joke at me.
He’s also so protective and caring of me; he never wants me to be hurt and does his best to make me happy.
He’ll offer me advice, and he’ll always try to help make my life better in some way.

Most of all, my brother believes in me. He always tells me to push myself, believe in myself and see what I can achieve. He inspires me to do better, think better and be better. He’s the one that makes me dare to chase my dreams, and he’s the one that will keep me focused.
And, he’s proud of me.
He makes me feel special and shows me that I’m worth something.

I love you big brother, never stop being my shining star in the sky of my life.

I hope and pray you have someone like him in your own life. If not, please be that person to someone else. You’ll change their world.