My broken heart is slowly mending itself.
What used to be shattered is slowly forming into pieces. These pieces are then slowly coming together to make something whole. Soon, the deep cracks will be filled and once again it will begin to beat. It will be able to beat a new rhythm and song of love. It will be able to move again without the fear of more crippling pain.
But this doesn’t mean it will be left spotless. There will be deep scars; blemishes and tears of where you dropped my fragile heart and didn’t care to look down at the scattered remains. Though time may slowly make them fade, they may never heal completely.
Every so often, I will feel that twang of pain from a wound that will always be damaged. The scar in the shape of your name. My heart’s own way of reminding me not to be so naive. My heart’s own way of telling me that I should be more careful in future, and not give everything away to someone who doesn’t have the same intentions.
But I also know this is never going to be the easiest healing process. I’m going to improve, then see you and cracks will open again. Threads will become unstitched and once again, I’ll bleed.
My heart will cry its own tears of what you did to it, and what you continue to do to it.
But slowly, step by step, my heart is being mended. It is slowly gaining courage to beat again, and though it is imperfect, with the odd piece missing, it is stronger than ever.
Most of all, I thank God for His work on me even though I renounced my faith months ago. I thank Him for being the perfect craftsman, taking my heart in His hands and adding His own stitches in it, one by one. A thread that cannot be undone by his actions.
I just pray that the rest of my heart will be able to hold its own when faced with you in the coming months.
But I would also like to ask, please can you stop trying to break it again?
Please can you leave it be?
Please can you leave me be?
I want to forget that I was stupid to believe I was your “forever.”
I want to forget the hurt of knowing that I was completely myself with someone for the first time in my life, letting all the walls down and opening up about some of my deepest hurts and fears and insecurities…and when you saw me for everything that I was, you said “no thanks.”
You see, it’s one thing to try your hardest to be the person you think someone else wants you to be, and then be rejected. Maybe you just weren’t good a pretending and at least you can take comfort in that.
But to know that you were one hundred percent yourself, and you were truly rejected for who you are…
That shakes you to the core.