I swam in your depths and drowned in it all.
I had always planned to keep myself on the side; maybe dip a toe when times felt easy and when the water felt warm. Other than then, I’d stay over there. It was safe and stable and comfortable. It was predictable. But that’s the thing: sometimes you can’t expect to sit and not be moved. I was swept away by your current which no floatation device or desperate cling could save. I was submerged, I was covered and I was stolen. I was breathless and disorientated. You held me in your waters and my lungs were filled.
I struggled so deeply; I had to reach the surface. This wasn’t safe, or comfortable, nor where I wanted to be. It was scary and deadly and far beyond my comfort zone. But as hard as I struggled, I couldn’t keep my head above it all.
All I remember is the towering wave and the feeling of being completely drenched in your being. I remember the drag of current and the feeling of never knowing if I’d hit the air again, and not caring if I ever did.
Because it was lovely. Because I didn’t want to be rescued. Because I didn’t need a safety rope or a lifeguard to save me when it all got a little scary. Because I trust in you.
And sometimes I still get that wild panic. Sometimes the fear sets in and I just want to bolt: to get the hell out of that water and get back on the land. Because on the land, I’m in control, Everything stays where it should, and everything is still. Because sometimes getting back in the water is tough when you’ve been left shipwrecked in the past. Sometimes the fear and the flashbacks of feeling those waves is all too much to handle.
You are letting me be scared when I’ve always been able to stay safe in the past. You are me trusting after being left alone underneath it all once before, and never wanting to go back. But you are worth being scared and wanting to bolt and thinking it would be much easier to run and hide. You are worth the mystery and the lack of assurance and inability to be comfortable. You are worth risking everything. You are worth the probability of feeling yet another storm.
You were worth the wait.