Broken strings & Pretty things

The world, seen through a young girl's eyes.

Archive for the month “December, 2012”

Final reflections.

As I seem to enjoy to partake in a variety of clichés, what is the beginning of a new year without analysing and deciphering the past year? It’s fair to say that 2012 has been one of the most eventful years of my pretty short lifespan, but for me it has quite possibly been one of the most profound. (This is going to be a long one, I can only apologise in advance.)

Now, without trying to hyperbole too greatly, I pretty much started the year as a timid and extremely self-conscious girl. Though some of the later tendency seems to somewhat remain, the main dangerous issue of this whole predicament was the fact that I couldn’t be happy by myself. My self-worth, my self-esteem and my happiness lay in the hands of someone else, which is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen. Which it did. My walls of pseudo security and acceptance were shattered, leaving me alone and lost in the outside world that I shut myself from when I was so transfixed with another. For a while, I battled with this issue for so long, causing my life to be a fountain of regret, shame and guilt as the rain of heartache fell upon my shoulders whilst the storms grew evermore as this former lover attempted to wreak further havoc on my already blurred life.
But in fact, this was actually quite possibly one of the most beautiful times of my life. It was enlightenment; it was grace; it was awakening from a dark slumber into a much brighter world. I expected to be shunned by the people whom I had walked away from, I expected judgement from those who I had betrayed, but no. I was granted acceptance and love and ‘don’t be silly’s. Why? Because at that moment I had realised that I had true friends who I had never truly appreciated.

They say that you don’t find yourself until it’s you who you lose, and I couldn’t agree more. It’s truly the darkest moments in life which we grow from, the moments in which we mature and realise not to guilt ourselves from our mistakes, but learn. In this space I gained confidence, I gained determination and self-sufficiency. I realised I was worthy, that I was good enough and that I had potential. For the first time, I saw some form of excellence within me that was not achieved by someone else or shallow bragging, but from true emotional growth.

Now, the next half of the year was a blur of happiness, summer warmth and a high passion for the God who I had painstakingly abandoned in my selfish endeavours for a tangible form of love. It was a season of new hope, new interests and love. But it wasn’t the season of reaping, not even in autumn when I thought that I had met Mr. Perfect. It was a time of consolidation and further growth. Regardless to say, despite the oscillations of slight disappointments in this later part of the year where life didn’t quite go my way, and where I started to feel the chill of loneliness in the introduction of winter, the light never quite dimmed on life. I honestly can’t look back on the past 6 months without joy flowing throughout my being, because it was truly filled the most wonderful memories and dreams which I’m still enthralled by.

Right now, I am so content, yet so expectant of the coming year. I have already written about the coming excitements of the due new year and I am extremely excited, and curious, to what it has to throw at me. But for now, I look at this aging year and don’t think painfully of the pain that it caused me, but rejoice in the wonders that it instilled in me. I have gained so much from the past 12 months, with only losing a slight amount. This year I was lucky, and for that I could never be more grateful. My greatest accomplishments have come within this past year and these celebrations have not ceased quite yet.
The people, the dreams, the fears and rewards of this year have been truly tremendous. Laying this year to rest is much like throwing away a favourite childhood sweater: the sentiment holds itself dearly, but you know that it has long served its purpose. You know that it’s time to let go, and find yourself something more fitting: something new and something to wear in for a more mature version of yourself.

Have a wonderful new year.

Fickle.

I’d love to just shut the door on all these memories, walk away, and be happy, but the question of why this all broke down still haunts me to this day. You were red. You were passion and excitement and nights that I wished would never end. You were beauty and extravagance and the realisation that I no longer have to settle. That I am good enough. When everything was taken away, I relapsed and questioned all that I had believed to know. You were the beauty and wonder of autumn, dazzling me with colour and vibrance, and then vanished, rendering me frozen in the bleakness of winter. I can’t allow you to remain circling my mind when everything was so long ago. I can’t bring myself to dream about you when I have finally moved on. Knowing that you are back in town for the holidays is torture. Driving past your house is pain. Reminiscing is numbing.

Another problem with opening up is the fact that something cannot be fully opened when a part of it is missing. It’s not fair to be enchanted by someone else when I’m already entranced by another. As easy it is to deceive myself, I can’t escape the fact that I just need that one last piece of closure. That final conversation. That final car ride. That final goodbye.

Breaking barriers.

Opening up again is really, really scary. So scary that no matter how close I yearn for you to be, it would be far easier (and safer) to push you away and save myself from the risk.

Opening up means letting you see me fully. Opening up means that you see the ugly parts. Opening up means letting you see the scars of former heartache and heart-break, and letting you mend the slapdash repairs stitched by a girl who tried to show that she didn’t care. Opening up means more vulnerability; more risk of disillusion and disenchantment.

Trusting you means breaking barriers. It means not comparing you to him, or him, or even him. It means believing your promises. It means accepting your compliments. It means letting you in. It means trusting that you will still be there. It means allowing myself to finally let go and begin again. It means regaining hope.

And just this once, it may be worth it.

fear

Impending.

His shoulder is strong, safe and secure. The conversation flows so easily and I could fall asleep right here, in this dark and hopeless room, without a second thought. His cool words tangle my heart in a web of hope and dreams as each pause slowly draws me in further and deeper. We talk the hours away as I slowly listen to his words serenade my being, and there are so many times that I yearn to just to lift my head. Just once. I yearn to gaze into those blue eyes that second longer. Enter that moment even more deeply. But if I do, it’s too soon.
So instead, my head lies protected in the deep shelter of his chest.

But that’s what makes the situation so treacherous. So antagonisingly simple, yet so deeply complex. Sitting in this room, everything is easy; everything is perfect; everything is safe. Outside, everything is different. Can’t we just stay in here forever?

This situation is impending, and I am not quite sure in what sense. Whether it is impending doom or impending joy, I’m not certain. At the passing of each day, it’s getting closer and closer. I have no idea of what is going to happen. All I know is that it’s coming soon.

Naivety.

One day, I woke up and realised that this earthly world is not for me. The conformity, the soulessness, the lack of joy and frivolity: where has it all gone?
I want to be able to walk down the street and be granted with a smile. I yearn for encouragement and tenderness, and a world which doesn’t revolve around individuals. I desire freedom and passion, not oppression and censorship. I want to wear pretty skirts for all of my days, eat sushi and drink blueberry smoothies.
I want to come home feeling like I have actually accomplished something, rather than sitting on a train knowing that I’m part of a meaningless and unending cycle.

No, I have hopes, I have dreams and I have a destiny.
I know where I need to go, it’s just finding how to get there.

Seventeen.

Another year older, another candle lit on the cake. And it’s been truly wonderful.
Every tiny detail of today has been detailed with unbelievable beauty and joy and laughter and such whimsy I just want to thank everyone who has made it so wonderful.  You are all truly the most remarkable and magical people in all of my life, and I adore you all from the very depths of my heart.

Looking back over the past year, it has been so mixed. At the age of sixteen, I truly grew up in ways that I had never expected to on that very day that I blew out those candles. I matured, I fell in love, I created a blog, I explored, I experienced, I had my heart broken, I passed exams, I gained confidence, I loved God, I met wonderful people, I was offered amazing opportunities, I had exhilarating days, I had beautiful evenings and I truly became my own person. I’m truly blessed to say that despite the bumps and the lows that the past year threw at me, I have had the most amazing and life-changing year.
One year later, I’m so eager and expectant to see what is lying before me in this coming year. More growing up, that’s for sure. More exploring, more discovering, more opportunities. More love, more hurt, but most certainly more wonder and joy and laughs from the most amazing people in the whole wide world. This is the year to discover myself and truly consolidate after the rollercoaster of the past year.

It’s been a truly wonderful birthday, and one magnificent year.

Staying grounded.

I’m right at the edge, and I’m so close to letting myself fall: fall into you. But I can’t, and I shouldn’t, as all I know is that this could (and will) end badly. You’re trying to help me strive and set me free from these kind of things, yet I’m falling into the same old traps of loving someone without loving myself. Even if feelings were requited, nothing could be acted upon: you have a plan and I have no place within it; you’re leaving very soon and I’m sticking around for a while.
But that’s just how things are meant to be: you’re here to help me and I’m here to help you. Nothing more and definitely nothing less.
But you are exactly the kind of man whom I would one day love to be with, with such wonder and beauty and chivalry, yet I guess this just isn’t the right time nor is it the right place.
These kind of things are treacherous, and dangerous, but I will hold on hope. I won’t let myself fall, as I’ll know that one day there will be someone who is just like you.

You told me to keep looking forward to the future, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. There will be a time to reap the harvest, but first I must plant the seeds.

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