As I seem to enjoy to partake in a variety of clichés, what is the beginning of a new year without analysing and deciphering the past year? It’s fair to say that 2012 has been one of the most eventful years of my pretty short lifespan, but for me it has quite possibly been one of the most profound. (This is going to be a long one, I can only apologise in advance.)
Now, without trying to hyperbole too greatly, I pretty much started the year as a timid and extremely self-conscious girl. Though some of the later tendency seems to somewhat remain, the main dangerous issue of this whole predicament was the fact that I couldn’t be happy by myself. My self-worth, my self-esteem and my happiness lay in the hands of someone else, which is pretty much a disaster waiting to happen. Which it did. My walls of pseudo security and acceptance were shattered, leaving me alone and lost in the outside world that I shut myself from when I was so transfixed with another. For a while, I battled with this issue for so long, causing my life to be a fountain of regret, shame and guilt as the rain of heartache fell upon my shoulders whilst the storms grew evermore as this former lover attempted to wreak further havoc on my already blurred life.
But in fact, this was actually quite possibly one of the most beautiful times of my life. It was enlightenment; it was grace; it was awakening from a dark slumber into a much brighter world. I expected to be shunned by the people whom I had walked away from, I expected judgement from those who I had betrayed, but no. I was granted acceptance and love and ‘don’t be silly’s. Why? Because at that moment I had realised that I had true friends who I had never truly appreciated.
They say that you don’t find yourself until it’s you who you lose, and I couldn’t agree more. It’s truly the darkest moments in life which we grow from, the moments in which we mature and realise not to guilt ourselves from our mistakes, but learn. In this space I gained confidence, I gained determination and self-sufficiency. I realised I was worthy, that I was good enough and that I had potential. For the first time, I saw some form of excellence within me that was not achieved by someone else or shallow bragging, but from true emotional growth.
Now, the next half of the year was a blur of happiness, summer warmth and a high passion for the God who I had painstakingly abandoned in my selfish endeavours for a tangible form of love. It was a season of new hope, new interests and love. But it wasn’t the season of reaping, not even in autumn when I thought that I had met Mr. Perfect. It was a time of consolidation and further growth. Regardless to say, despite the oscillations of slight disappointments in this later part of the year where life didn’t quite go my way, and where I started to feel the chill of loneliness in the introduction of winter, the light never quite dimmed on life. I honestly can’t look back on the past 6 months without joy flowing throughout my being, because it was truly filled the most wonderful memories and dreams which I’m still enthralled by.
Right now, I am so content, yet so expectant of the coming year. I have already written about the coming excitements of the due new year and I am extremely excited, and curious, to what it has to throw at me. But for now, I look at this aging year and don’t think painfully of the pain that it caused me, but rejoice in the wonders that it instilled in me. I have gained so much from the past 12 months, with only losing a slight amount. This year I was lucky, and for that I could never be more grateful. My greatest accomplishments have come within this past year and these celebrations have not ceased quite yet.
The people, the dreams, the fears and rewards of this year have been truly tremendous. Laying this year to rest is much like throwing away a favourite childhood sweater: the sentiment holds itself dearly, but you know that it has long served its purpose. You know that it’s time to let go, and find yourself something more fitting: something new and something to wear in for a more mature version of yourself.
Have a wonderful new year.