What I keep meaning to say.
I only realised that your birthday had passed the other day. I kept meaning to send my wishes, but you know all too well what I’m like with communication when not not face to face.
But as I watch your life transform via various social media sites, I am so happy to see that you got there: you got to where you wanted to be. Just like how I always told you that you’d get there. Maybe you finally believe that life is on your side.
I’m so happy for you darling, and I honestly can’t wait for your life to unfold into something spectacular. You truly deserve it. I hope that you make the wonderful friends that school never granted you, and I pray that you believe in yourself: that the freedom of not being subject to the confines of curriculum will set you alight. I hope you truly come alive now that you are away from it all. You worked all of this time for this, and the time has finally come for you to reap your rewards.
Most of all, I hope you finally find her. I hope you find that girl that I just couldn’t muster to be. Because you are intensely and remarkably wonderful, and I just wasn’t the girl to fall in love with it all, for a plethora of reasons. I hope your walls haven’t been built higher, but rather you take her for that promised picnic, and teach her the wonders of modern day chivalry and dance with her in the refrigerator light like you did with me. I pray you look at her with love in your eyes and don’t see a dimness looking back: you deserve the doe eyed wonder of a girl finally meeting her knight in shining armour.
Because, although I may have not been the one to love you, I know that this girl will wholeheartedly love you. She’ll hear stories of the girl who didn’t care enough to commit her whole heart to a relationship; the girl who was too consumed in her own troubles to text back; the girl who didn’t see your prince with enough clarity. But that’s okay, because maybe I was that girl.
And I’m glad, because it means you will find her, and you will know exactly when it clicks into place.
I just wish that I could watch it all unfold for you. But that’s your adventure.
Instead, I sit here back at home left with your letters and Valentine’s card and beautiful memories and the painting you did of me, and don’t feel remorse, but instead, new hope. Because we were just a mere interlude in the great symphony of each other’s lives. You are going to look back at me as an insignificant little blip of your final adolescent years, and realise the love you felt for me really wasn’t the good stuff: that’s yet to come.
You’re going to be magnificent. I just wish I had the courage to tell you this.
You’re going to achieve those plans of yours, and equally they are going to fall apart just as beautifully. You’ll find method in madness and beauty in instability and love the person you’ll become. And I’m just so happy that it’s all starting now. I’m just so proud.
So as you embark on the next chapter of life, I hope you never lose sight of the big picture – just like you had always told me.
And,honey, most all of all remember what I said about it being better to have loved and lost?
That will always be true. I promise.