A week is truly a magnificent space of time. Within it, everything changes so much and so profoundly.
This time last week, I was broken. I was lonely, cold and shattered. I felt nothing: no hope, no happiness, no feeling at all. Just emptiness. In fact, in my desperation I wrote a post which, for some unknown reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to publish. But instead of deleting that lonely draft in my blogging dashboard, I felt I could use it as a mark of progress: a symbol to show that I’m back.
It went as follows:
Sometimes, all you feel is cold. I don’t know quite why, but I’m just so empty. So hollow. So vacant. What once filled by veins with passion, hopes, dreams and serenity has somehow evaporated from the surface of my soul. Something is missing, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.
The worst thing is that I’m hopelessly lonely. I seek comfort, I seek love, and search for it in the cheapest and short-term solutions. For the tiniest moment, I feed that lingering addiction, and in the same moment waves of guilt and shame remove any last residue of feeling left in my body. Cold hands, wet breath, dry lips. Numbness. I lie in bed at night consumed by regret as the loneliness pulls me in closer and deeper.
I want to wake up and scream to myself that I don’t need this. My self-worth shouldn’t come from anybody else. Yet it does. I hear God calling for me through the walls of insecurity and lust. I hear him beg for me to just reach for his hand But I just can’t seem to move. Pain and wallowing is holding me against the ground.”
And I’m sure it would have ended with a melancholy photograph symbolising my innermost emotions. But I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it.
The thing is, as soon as I opened my eyes and threw myself out of this ever-sinking sadness, I escaped. I made the effort to change my life into something much more wonderful, and it happened. Though not all the ice has melted, and there is still a chilling breeze in the air, everything is warming up. These things just take time.
But now, a week after all these pain and fear, I can look at that above post and know how much things have changed, and just how much brighter and beautiful one week can make upon your life.
Hopefully, I can say the same thing next week too.