Broken strings & Pretty things

The world, seen through a young girl's eyes.

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

A wonderful transformation.

A week is truly a magnificent space of time. Within it, everything changes so much and so profoundly.
This time last week, I was broken. I was lonely, cold and shattered. I felt nothing: no hope, no happiness, no feeling at all. Just emptiness. In fact, in my desperation I wrote a post which, for some unknown reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to publish. But instead of deleting that lonely draft in my blogging dashboard, I felt I could use it as a mark of progress: a symbol to show that I’m back.
It went as follows:

Despair

Sometimes, all you feel is cold. I don’t know quite why, but I’m just so empty. So hollow. So vacant. What once filled by veins with passion, hopes, dreams and serenity has somehow evaporated from the surface of my soul. Something is missing, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

The worst thing is that I’m hopelessly lonely. I seek comfort, I seek love, and search for it in the cheapest and short-term solutions. For the tiniest moment, I feed that lingering addiction, and in the same moment waves of guilt and shame remove any last residue of feeling left in my body. Cold hands, wet breath, dry lips. Numbness. I lie in bed at night consumed by regret as the loneliness pulls me in closer and deeper.

I want to wake up and scream to myself that I don’t need this. My self-worth shouldn’t come from anybody else. Yet it does. I hear God calling for me through the walls of insecurity and lust. I hear him beg for me to just reach for his hand But I just can’t seem to move. Pain and wallowing is holding me against the ground.”

And I’m sure it would have ended with a melancholy photograph symbolising my innermost emotions. But I didn’t need it. I didn’t want it.
The thing is, as soon as I opened my eyes and threw myself out of this ever-sinking sadness, I escaped. I made the effort to change my life into something much more wonderful, and it happened. Though not all the ice has melted, and there is still a chilling breeze in the air, everything is warming up. These things just take time.
But now, a week after all these pain and fear, I can look at that above post and know how much things have changed, and just how much brighter and beautiful one week can make upon your life.
Hopefully, I can say the same thing next week too.

Glory.

Everything of God gets expressed in him, so you can see and hear him clearly. You don’t need a telescope, a microscope, or a horoscope to realize the fullness of Christ, and the emptiness of the universe without him. When you come to him, that fullness comes together for you, too. His power extends over everything.

Colossians 2:8-15 (The Message)

Hope.

Today, I shall bring hope to every situation. I’ll hold hands with dreams and chase after desires.
There is light in every situation, I know it, you just have to wake up and catch it. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.
Why? Because I have nothing to lose. I’ve risked it, and I’ve fallen; I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve been full to the brim with thoughts and feelings and desired futures, and they’ve run out and left me empty. But that’s life. That’s the fun of it all. That’s what you wake up every morning for: a new risk, a new challenge: a new hope.
Hope is freedom. Hope is liberty. Hope is joy. Hope is justice. Hope is knowing that everything gets better, even when it goes grey.
Hope is here.

Absence.

I know that you could make me happy, and I know that I could be content. But that’s all I’ll ever be: content, yet never satisfied. And I’d hold that against you every day.
You can make me smile and you can make me laugh, you can even make me feel loved for a moment, but that’s it. I want depth, I want passion and desperation and nights that you wish would never end. I want to hang onto your every word and find you breathlessly enchanting. I want to seek you and then never let go. I want my dreams to be captivated by you, and you to haunt my fears all the same.

But, it’s empty. I’m empty.
Whilst you hold my hand, and walk me home, I see your hopes and dreams and desires yet know my place isn’t within them. You don’t deserve a girl who will only give you half of her heart when you deserve the whole world.
I wish I could love fully you. I really do. One day, you’ll find that girl who isn’t so stupidly and selfishly entranced by the idea of an unpredictable heart race. A girl who actually deserves you, and a girl who can give you everything and more.

Loving you would be easy, and it would be nice. It would be comfortable.
But the easiest option doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the best route.

Wandering.

People wonder why I haven’t written a post about God in a while. Truth is, I wonder why too. I wonder where the spark has gone, where my devotion has fled to, and ask myself why I just can’t commit to Him in the way that I always said I that I would.
The honest reason is that I’m immature. I’m reckless and selfish and so self consumed I run away and throw a tantrum the second that something doesn’t go my way. I shut down and lock up the moment God takes something away from me that I wanted so badly. I’m not proud of it, and I honestly wish it wasn’t the case.
But it is.

I’m frustrated. So exasperated with God. I hate to be this blunt when all I want to do is pretend and conform to the ongoing worship and joy and praise at His wonder. The most annoying thing is that I know that He’s right: that His will makes so much more sense than mine. But that just makes the matter even more frustrating.
Sometimes I just want to indulge. I want to be able to have that one thing my heart craves and desires which isn’t even sinful. I want to actually live a life which means I don’t have to say no or have no said to me on accounts of me respecting and following God.

I know how childish that is. How ungrateful, how sinful, how shameful. I want to snap out of it, but right now, I’m just wandering around trying to make sense of it all. Trying to allow myself to keep following without bitterness or resentment about me losing the most sparkling thing my life had seen in months.

I’m sorry Lord, I truly am. I’m sorry that I have to dig my heels in. I’m sorry that I just can’t be okay with everything.
I’m still here, I just need to catch my breath. I just need to catch up with You.

Rejection.

A sever to the heart. A boulder to the esophagus. A wrenching to the stomach.
For the tiniest moment, the world stops. Everything stops. The birds, the trees, the busy streets. They all suddenly pause in the midst of a heartbeat.
Silence.

Then, just as quickly as the emptiness fell, a catastrophic whirlwind dominates every face of the earth. Shrieks of terror and calamity flood the vicinity of your ears as everything once built-in the reality of your mind is uncovered and chortles at your naive misconceptions. Internal voices scoff at the ludicrousness of your ideas: that you actually thought that it was going to happen.
Don’t be silly, you’re not good enough.

A cold, hard reality hits the face with resounding tremors. Enlightenment of a much darker kind. Everything now slowly makes sense: the little pieces of the puzzle you never quite wanted to believe. The shadows that were only peripheral in the midst of your frolicking.
Silly girl. You should have known better. When will you ever learn?

 

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