It breaks my heart to watch my friend suffer.
You know what one of the most painful thing in life is? Seeing your friend slowly destroy himself.
I’m watching him hurt himself, and I’m watching him be completely oblivious to it. He doesn’t care, because he’s willing to hurt himself a hundred times over in the pursuit of nothing. He’s slowly slipping away and questioning himself, questioning his beliefs and confiding in me about his confusion.
The worst thing is, I can’t do anything.
I feel like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion. I can see what’s going to happen, yet all I can do is stand here and watch it. I can’t tell him what to do, as I have no right to try to control his life and control what he’s doing, no matter how damaging I know it is. He’ll come to me for comfort, and no matter how much I try, we both know I can’t change his mind.
Because, though the side effects may be painful, the short-term effects make him happy. He isn’t willing to give it all up, because he doesn’t want to give up one of the largest parts of his life. He doesn’t want to be alone. He doesn’t want to lose out.
So as my heart breaks watching him head for his own heartbreak, I can only pray, and be there for him. Whether he wants me right now, all I can do is be there, and be ready to catch him when he falls.
J, I love you. I know why you’re doing this, I’ve been there. But it isn’t worth it, the pain isn’t worth it. I hate to see you doubt yourself. I hate to see you forget who you used to be and question your own morals. All I want to do is keep you safe, as impossible as it is.
I know it doesn’t mean much right now, since you’re focused on other matters, but I’m here for you. I’m always going to be here for you. Please, break away from this self-abuse you’re about to cause yourself. It destroys me to see what’s around the corner.
But at the end of the day, you’re just like me. You need to learn this yourself, instead of being told.
So I will stop telling, and I’ll continue to watch out for you.
I’m praying for you J.