This time last year, I was slowly falling deeper and deeper for a certain boy.
We had known of each other for over a year, and met through mutual friends and often spent time together. After being fully acquainted at his baptism, we started talking on a regular basis, and soon enough, became close friends.
To me, he seemed perfect. Christian, brown-haired, musical, kind and funny. Our relationship had a distinct juxtaposition: we had more in common than I could expect, yet could spend the day debating our diverging opinions on the silliest issues. Slowly, day by day, I realised how special he was.
During summer, we wasted days lying in the sun together, whilst he attempted in vain to craft me into the musician I could never become by giving me ukulele lessons. We became closer than ever, and I became entranced in his presence. Furthermore, he lit a fire in my heart. He inspired me to create this blog: to allow me to convey my innermost thoughts to the world through a humble little website.
(In fact, broken strings is inspired by the ukulele lessons we shared)
But, to our surprise, summer faded and became autumn. Feelings started to become memories. It was soon unveiled that I was merely a friend in his eyes, and soon enough other suitors came my way. I chose someone else. We remained friends as I began to fall in love with another boy whilst he continued to be my close companion by my side.
But then, the cold came.
Winter arose and froze us away from each other. My love for my boyfriend captivated me, and ate the time I had separate for my friend. I slowly drifted away from him, whilst he stood there wondering where I had gone. Six months passed and we had only met on the rare occasion, where it had felt like nothing had changed. Yet it had.
It wasn’t until after the split when we finally returned back to how we were. Our friendship had been rescued, and we were back side by side.
Yet, I found out the truth. He relented that he never saw me as a friend; that I’d always been special to him. More than a friend. But he had a girlfriend, and I had a broken heart that wasn’t ready to love again. We were stuck in an uncomprisable situation, bound by our own commitments. Nevertheless, we vowed to carry on as usual and carry on with what we were used to.
Until, they broke up.
Now, I’m tied between the girl who I was and the girl who I am now.
She would have been delighted, yet I am uncontrollably confused. I can’t love someone when I am still recovering from heart-break, and he can’t love me when he has just been left from a short-term commitment.
I’m living in a flashback of what was before, and trying to decipher what is now.
All I can do is wait it out. Maybe one day, we’ll fall in love. Maybe we’ll remain friends.
All we can be certain is that this is not the time.
Not now. Not yet.