Be who you want to be.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

Can you look at yourself and know that you’re the person who you aim to be? Or do you merely see a stranger in the reflection?
Can you say you make all the decisions in your life? Or do you let someone decide for you?
Are you living your life? Or are you drifting through it all?
Are you doing what you want? Or are you changing your life depending on what others think and want for you?

Life is too short to pretend to be someone you’re not. It’s too short to live by comparison to others. It’s time to step out and actually live the life you’ve dreamed of, instead of the life others have planned for you. It’s time to be that beautiful and lovely person you really are, the person who has always been inside, yet has been too timid to venture into the real world.

So I pray that when you next see yourself, you will see greatness. You will see the perfectly formed and unique individual you are, who was destined to follow your dreams. And if you don’t see that person, I pray that you will have the courage to change. The courage to stand up to the world and tell them who you really are, and who you want to be. There are so many tomorrows, and every one of them is a new day to change.
Don’t leave it too late.
Be who you want to be.

 

The perfect kind of love.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.“

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Today, I realised this is the love I desire.
The love that is unconditional: it never stops giving, and it never fails. It’s the kind of love that accepts you for who you are, and accepts the mistakes you may make and will never hold them against you. It still finds you beautiful in sweat pants and no makeup. It doesn’t care whether you wear sneakers or Milanos. It only wants best for you, with no other intentions. It will always be there to help someone grow, yet will never hold them back.

It’s love in the purest form, and it’s everything I crave.
That’s why, no matter which relationship: family, friends, romantic, I will pour God’s love into it. I’ll try to be the most loving, trusting and honest young women I can possibly be.
For God, for myself, and for others.

This can’t be.

“Sorry…say that again?”

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I don’t understand.

After all this time? After everything? Right now?

Thoughts flash through my head like a strobe light in the empty darkness. It’s impossible for you to be like this; for this to happen.
I try to put the information back into my head, and rearrange it like a cryptic puzzle piece, but it’s no use, it doesn’t fit altogether. The picture is fragmented and distorted, with overlaps and gaps and twists in the deep maze of it all.
It just doesn’t make sense.

But sure enough, the piece slips into place as my brain unveils the truth, carving a new joins and links in the story.
How you’d always been with me, how you treat me differently, how you couldn’t talk to me when she was in the room with us.

But it isn’t right. You’re supposed to belong to someone else. I don’t want to see you like that again.
I’m not ready, I’m far from being ready.

I stand there, the information pulsing thick through my body at a hundred beats per minute.
I still don’t fully understand, and I really don’t know what to do. I’m not the girl who takes someone elses’ fairytale, and I most certainly am not going to become that girl now. I can’t do that, and I won’t do that.
I stare at the writing, as if it will change and conjugate a new paragraph, saying that you didn’t mean it, that you were still just my friend that I’m supposed to be looking out for. Saying that you only love me as a friend, and that’s only how you’ve ever felt, and ever will.
But it doesn’t say that.
Maybe I read it wrong. Maybe I took it the wrong way. Maybe by liking me, you only mean it as something much more innocent.
But I haven’t.

So what do I do?
The only thing I can do: nothing.

It breaks my heart to watch my friend suffer.

You know what one of the most painful thing in life is? Seeing your friend slowly destroy himself.
I’m watching him hurt himself, and I’m watching him be completely oblivious to it. He doesn’t care, because he’s willing to hurt himself a hundred times over in the pursuit of nothing. He’s slowly slipping away and questioning himself, questioning his beliefs and confiding in me about his confusion.

The worst thing is, I can’t do anything.
I feel like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion. I can see what’s going to happen, yet all I can do is stand here and watch it. I can’t tell him what to do, as I have no right to try to control his life and control what he’s doing, no matter how damaging I know it is. He’ll come to me for comfort, and no matter how much I try, we both know I can’t change his mind.

Because, though the side effects may be painful, the short-term effects make him happy. He isn’t willing to give it all up, because he doesn’t want to give up one of the largest parts of his life. He doesn’t want to be alone. He doesn’t want to lose out.
So as my heart breaks watching him head for his own heartbreak, I can only pray, and be there for him. Whether he wants me right now, all I can do is be there, and be ready to catch him when he falls.

J, I love you. I know why you’re doing this, I’ve been there. But it isn’t worth it, the pain isn’t worth it. I hate to see you doubt yourself. I hate to see you forget who you used to be and question your own morals. All I want to do is keep you safe, as impossible as it is.
I know it doesn’t mean much right now, since you’re focused on other matters, but I’m here for you. I’m always going to be here for you. Please, break away from this self-abuse you’re about to cause yourself. It destroys me to see what’s around the corner.
But at the end of the day, you’re just like me. You need to learn this yourself, instead of being told.
So I will stop telling, and I’ll continue to watch out for you.
I’m praying for you J.

It’s okay darling, it’s okay.

It’s okay to laugh when something isn’t that funny,
It’s okay to smile at the simplest things,
It’s okay to be touched my the smallest actions,
It’s okay to be hurt by the smallest remark,
It’s okay to cry when the world is crashing down,
It’s okay to love someone who doesn’t love you back,
It’s okay to take a break when things get too hard,
It’s okay to sing at the top of your voice even when you’re tone-deaf,
It’s okay to dance like nobody’s watching,
It’s okay to not know everything,
It’s okay to stand up for what you believe in,
It’s okay to dream the impossible.

When dreams become reality.

As I’ve previously mentioned in other posts, this past month has offered me opportunities of a lifetime. In fact, one of these opportunities is something which is helping me achieve a combination of many dreams that I never thought I’d achieve this young. I’ve been waiting a few weeks for plans to finalize before telling you, my dear readers, but now plans are official I’m delighted to tell you all:

I’m going to spend a month in Uganda. Next summer, I’m going with a small group of people my age as part of an expedition, where I’m going to be able to see life changing things. I’m going to spend time camping in the jungle, travel to small islands, climb mountains and go on a Safari. I’m going to grasp this whole new other world that I’ve never experienced.
But it’s not the physical side that I’m so excited about.I’m going there to help people.
Although it’s undecided what exactly we’re going to do as aid work, I have the opportunity to work with street children, orphans, teach children in a school or even help build wells and villages. I might even have the chance to help in HIV clinics. Working with and helping people who need it is my passion. I want to be able to give shelter to the homeless, and give hope to the helpless. Having the chance to help people’s lives has made my own. I’m so thankful and blessed to have this adventure, and I couldn’t be any happier to live out my wildest dreams.
Though raising all the money is going to be so tough, it’s going to be so worth it. It’s all going straight to the most amazing causes and I’m so excited to raise it all and be able to give it to the Ugandan communities personally.

This kind of situation has also shown be that when a door closes, God really does open a window. (And this is a pretty huge window.)
Had this opportunity arisen over a month ago, I may not have accepted it. I would’ve put others in front of me, and would feel too scared that if I chased my dreams, I would’ve lost people who were close to me.
That’s why I’m so passionate about to never let go of my dreams. I never want to be put in the position of being too scared to step out because of somebody else.

I can’t wait to finally experience the world in the ways I’ve imagined. I can’t wait to actually live out my dreams.
Please, never forget how you can really achieve your heart’s biggest desires. Dreams aren’t something you only think about at night, they’re something tangible, and something that can actually happen.
So stop thinking that “I’ll never be able to do that” or “those things would never happen to me.”
If I, the most ordinary girl in the sense of the term, can live my dream, why can’t you too?
Go on, step out.

When anyone tells you ‘no’, shout ‘yes’.

When anyone in life tells me that I’m not good enough, or I that won’t be able to do something, it only encourages me to pursue if further.
I want to prove to them that they have no control over my life, and that I’m capable of anything I can achieve.

Why should we live our lives dictated by other people’s thoughts and condemns?
Why should anyone tell you that you are not special, or that you are not able to live your dreams when they are probably too scared to even attempt what you desire?
Sadly, we are all going to cross paths with a number of these kind people during our lives, but we have to find a way to combat it. We need to find ways to not get put down by those who try to, stand tall and fight for what we believe in. Yes, this can be so hard when we are forced in a world that tells us ‘no’ and ‘you’re not good enough’ but once we master the skill of knowing your strength when the world is against you, you are able to do anything.

That’s why when someone tells me it’s impossible to do the things I want, and that I’ll never be able to go where I want to, it just encourages me to prove them wrong. It just makes me fight harder for what I want, and prove I am worthy.
I experienced this today, when someone told me that they think I will never get into the university that I dream of. However, instead of getting upset and believing their cruel words, it just set my heart on fire. My passions and desires burned with an even brighter flame.

I refuse to let anyone tell me I’m not worth it anymore. I refuse to let anyone put me down or try to stop me achieve what I want to.
But most of all, I pray that you do too.
I pray that you are able to stand up tall to anyone in life who tries to knock you down. I pray you discover how wonderful and strong you are, and that absolutely anything is possible if you truly desire and work for it.

Shout yes to that world who says no. Prove them wrong, and achieve your wildest dreams, no matter how unachievable they seem.

Today, I fell in love with life.

To be honest, I didn’t think today was going to be the greatest.
Today would have been the seven month mark my ex boyfriend, whilst it is also exactly four weeks since we parted. Though I hate to be a living cliché, I still found this devastating , and I spent the morning mourning the past half of the year we spent together.

But then, I was suddenly blessed with a new love for life. I was given news which gives me the potential to shape my future to what I’ve dreamed of. With this, I’ve also been given a whole new drive and a whole new passion to do the best I can, and do something more with my life. If I want to, and am willing to put in the effort, I will be able to go to the places I want to go to, and be who I want to be. Thinking back a month ago, I was scared to step out of line or chase my future, as I wanted to keep my boyfriend close to me and I put him before anything else. Now, I’m so happy it didn’t work out. Despite the heart ache, these past few weeks have thrown me opportunities which will change my life, opportunities that I would never have the chance to receive again.

Even more so, as I spent my day enjoying the English countryside, I fell in love with the world. I rediscovered the beauty in the rolling hills and infinite sea. Sitting in the sun in the garden of my humble cottage, I spent the day realising just how beautiful the little things in life are. I forgot about my worries, my fears and anxiety and rediscovered myself.
The most beautiful part of this is that just doing so has made me whole again. I don’t feel as broken as I have been. I feel fresh, renewed and ready to live my life again rather than just hanging on a thread. This is the break I needed. This is the thing I needed to set me free.

I’m so in love with life again. I’m ready to experience everything again, and take it in both hands. I’m ready to face the day.
I’m finally becoming me again.

I mourn for my princess phase.

This evening I spent time with my cousin’s three-year old daughter. Dressed as a princess and twirling around the kitchen, she told me how she was “going to marry a prince and live happily ever after.”
Looking at her longingly, a realised I missed that blissful ignorance of a princess phase that only a little girl has.
The way in which you believe that love is something easy. That the first handsome man who sets eyes on you is the one that courts you, dines you, and treats you like a lady. The way he tells you how beautiful you are, before whisking you away in the sunset, ready to be married and live happily ever after.

Sadly, I’ve outgrown that phase. I’ve realised love is not that easy, nor is it pain-free. The love little Millie is dreaming of is sadly very likely to never occur. That handsome man may set the same eyes on other women, he may not treat her like a lady, tell her how much she means to him and may never plan on marrying her. I’ve learned the more realistic side of love, the side that withholds you from wanting to try again, and the side that makes you lose faith in the whole principle of it.
But, I wish nothing more to  have Millie’s naivety back.

Even more that, I want to protect Millie’s happiness. Looking at her now, hopes set on this future with her prince charming, I never want her to stray from this. At the age of three, she’s so young, so pure and so free from limitations. No one has ever hurt her, or broken her trust, or made her feel like she cannot achieve anything. Most of all, she hasn’t discovered that love has painful repercussions that Disney doesn’t show her.
And I want to do my utmost to carry on this facade. I want her to carry on being optimistic in love. I want to wrap her up in my arms and use my own flesh as a personal shield against any boy who will break her heart or make her doubt herself. I don’t want her to lose her innocence. I don’t want her to feel the internal bleeding of heart ache. Most of all, I don’t want her to lose her princess phase like I did. I don’t want her to forget her own fairytale and settle for reality.
I would rather feel endure this past month over and over again rather than let her have to experience this kind of pain once in her life.

But I can’t, and that hurts me more than anything else.
So just as I mourn for my princess phase, I mourn the fact that hers too will end one day.
I just pray that she may have a fairytale ending instead.

 

Sending my love down the wireless.

This Easter morning, I want to wish all my readers, followers and commenters all the thanks and love in the world.
I want to thank you so much for supporting my blog, giving me encouragement and never-failing to make me happy with all of your likes and views.
I know that Broken Strings & Pretty Things is still very much on its training wheels, with imperfect posts and the odd grammatical error, but I am still over the moon with the hope and optimism you all bring me. So far, this humble little website is close on it way to 300 views after around 7 weeks of blogging, and this makes me overjoyed to think you beautiful people take pleasure out of reading my silly little thoughts and problems and hopes. Each view, each comment and each follower makes my day that much brighter, and I owe that all to you, my lovely and perfect readers.

Thank you for finding something in my writing that makes you want to come back to my little blog. Thank you for seeing something in this blog that others might not see. Thank you for giving me something to write for, something to be passionate about and something to be so cheerful about.
Creating this blog was probably one of my best decisions I’ve ever made, since it keeps me creative and it keeps me positive. It’s opened my eyes to new ideas, new thoughts and new people.
You guys give me a purpose, and encourage me to follow my dreams of being a writer.

So as this blog overflows with posts, and as I grow as a person, I hope to continue to fill your days with more silly rambles and ideas. I hope to keep you interested, and to keep you coming back to my own little creation. I also hope to, one day, inspire you in some way and make you see the world as a new and exciting place, and in a different light.

But until then, I offer up the most sincere and honest thanks to all of you.
Thank you for making this blog what it is, and thank you for making it what it is to come.
Have the happiest and most magical Easter of your lives.

All my love,
Alys