I remember writing so many of these posts broken and crying on the floor.
I remember telling myself that it would get better and that I could still reach the ends of the earth; that a sob story did not have to dictate my life. But honestly, no matter how much I spoke it over my life, I only half believed it. Because when you are trapped in a situation with no sign of things getting brighter, hope does tend to wear thin. At points I was pretty sure fatigue would prevent me from fighting against the current and pushing against it all, and occasionally it was so tempting to just crawl into bed and sleep until it was all over.
But that’s not how life works. Life doesn’t stop in the envelope of bed covers, and at some point cold hard reality will wake you up.
Sometimes you do just have to slip into survival mode for a while in order to just keep going: to just work, eat and sleep. Sometimes you will just have to let yourself cry on the kitchen floor when it gets tough. Sometimes you just have to accept you may not see an outcome, but there is one coming as fast as it can.
What I adore about this blog is the hindsight it gives me. I love being able to see how I felt all those weeks ago where I was struggling each day and being able to know now that it wasn’t in vain; that when I said I knew life would one day become brighter and happier, it would actually happen. Because although I’m still pushing through so much strife and know that I am far from the end of it all, I know that things do get better. I know that despite the hurt and pain and tears, God blesses me so much every day through my work and friends and opportunities. On those nights where I sat alone at my dining room table thinking l would only fail, God was still holding my hand and gently pulling me on, knowing that I would make it, and that I would be able to achieve my dreams.
Because, though there may be pain in the night, joy comes in the morning. And little do we all know, we are so tremendously blessed. A blessing doesn’t have to be a divine miracle, but the comfort and love of friends, or when hard work is paid off, or even still having hope when things don’t look like they will get better.
I have been so blessed by God these past eight months, and it is only now that I’m really learning this.
So I thank you God, and I thank you all for your support, kindness and encouragement to keep me going through all of this.
Thank you. Each and every one of you.