I know that you still read this blog, and I know that you try to find the answers of what went wrong through the things that I write on here. I know that you wonder if it’s you that I’m writing about. I know that you wonder what I actually think about everything.
It’s been a long time since we have spoken, and most of the time I wonder if there is anything left to say.
But, honey, these are the words that are left; the answers to the puzzle piece in your mind; your way to leave the labyrinth.
What went wrong a year today.
Firstly, I do remember. I remember the wonderful moments where I first realised how beautiful love is. I remember the things that you said, and the things that you did which made my heart sing. It took me a long time to go back to that place, when pain from everything you did afterwards clouded any ounce of happiness I received from you. At one small point, I remembered why I fell in love with you, and why I didn’t listen to everyone that told me not to.
But equally I remember the moments where I lay in bed at night feeling like I couldn’t escape. I remember the lies and the deceit and the confusion you put upon me. I remember the arrogance and insolence and audacity. Though I may forgive you, I still remember what you did; just how far you went to hurt me, and how happy you were when you accomplished it.
But darling, I really do owe a lot to you, because losing you was the day where I gained everything.
Losing you engendered freedom and liberty and self-worth. I realised the true meaning of a relationship, and that my happiness shouldn’t constantly be put on hold for someone who doesn’t deserve it. However, I also thank you for being my first love; the person who opened my eyes to that blissful ignorance, and the person who showed me the worst of holding onto a person too dearly.
And I’m so happy that you’re moving on, dear. I’m so happy to see you smiling and looking at someone like you once looked at me. You will make her happy if you try. You will make her fall in love with you, like I did, if you stop taking that second to see if anyone cares. Don’t be the two different people who you and I both know. Stop being the person that you hate to be, but only continue to be as he’s strong enough to pretend he doesn’t care what people think. Don’t hide behind that mask of nonchalance, and show your true vulnerability. Stop trying to be what other people expect of you, because the real you is much more beautiful.
Don’t break her like you broke me. Don’t let your own insecurities be the thing that prevents you from moving forward.
Just let go, for one more time in your life, and don’t think that it’s not worth it. Don’t make the mistake you made with me. You will be the person you want to be. You Will.
Be the person that I once fell hopelessly in love with.
Please, just be you.