People wonder why I haven’t written a post about God in a while. Truth is, I wonder why too. I wonder where the spark has gone, where my devotion has fled to, and ask myself why I just can’t commit to Him in the way that I always said I that I would.
The honest reason is that I’m immature. I’m reckless and selfish and so self consumed I run away and throw a tantrum the second that something doesn’t go my way. I shut down and lock up the moment God takes something away from me that I wanted so badly. I’m not proud of it, and I honestly wish it wasn’t the case.
But it is.
I’m frustrated. So exasperated with God. I hate to be this blunt when all I want to do is pretend and conform to the ongoing worship and joy and praise at His wonder. The most annoying thing is that I know that He’s right: that His will makes so much more sense than mine. But that just makes the matter even more frustrating.
Sometimes I just want to indulge. I want to be able to have that one thing my heart craves and desires which isn’t even sinful. I want to actually live a life which means I don’t have to say no or have no said to me on accounts of me respecting and following God.
I know how childish that is. How ungrateful, how sinful, how shameful. I want to snap out of it, but right now, I’m just wandering around trying to make sense of it all. Trying to allow myself to keep following without bitterness or resentment about me losing the most sparkling thing my life had seen in months.
I’m sorry Lord, I truly am. I’m sorry that I have to dig my heels in. I’m sorry that I just can’t be okay with everything.
I’m still here, I just need to catch my breath. I just need to catch up with You.